Heartwarming and Funny Ted Lasso Quotes from Every Season

Ted Lasso is one of the best shows on television. Ted is always uplifting people with his positivity. But he’s not the only funny one. Enjoy some of the best Ted Lasso quotes from Ted, Roy Kent, Keeley, Sam, Coach Beard, Rebecca, Higgins, and more!

Funny Quotes from Ted Lasso

Jason Sudeikis plays Ted Lasso, a small-time college football coach from Kansas hired to coach a professional soccer team in England, despite having no experience coaching soccer. He’s really hired to make the team worse, but he doesn’t know that, and manages to win everyone over with his charm and positivity.

It’s hard not to like Ted, though he may not be everyone’s cup of tea. Some of his sayings are corny, but they make me laugh.

Season 3 has just dropped on AppleTV+ and it’s just as good as the previous seasons. Some Ted Lasso quotes are funny, some are thoughtful and inspirational. Did I miss any of your favorite quotes from Ted Lasso? Drop them in the comments below.

Also check out this Ted Lasso Parents Guide if you need age recommendations for the show and these Ted Lasso memes for another smile.

When it comes to locker rooms, I like ’em just like my mother’s bathing suits. I only wanna see ’em in one piece. -Ted Lasso
Be curious, not judgmental. -Ted Lasso quotes
Maybe you should stop battling people that just want to help you. -Keeley
People tear their butts all the time in athletics. -Ted
Last one there is a Scotch egg. -Ted
I like the idea of someone becoming rich because of what they gave to the world, not just because of who their family is. -Sam

You act like I’m chasing you with a booger. -Ted
Can I think about it? -Roy
I’d call you a big dummy poopoo face if you didn’t. -Ted
It’s ok Nate. We’re all good in the hood. -Ted
You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. You know why? Got a ten-second memory. Be a goldfish, Sam. -Ted
Y’all kicked their butts from soup to nuts. -Ted
Butts on three. -Coach Beard
Pressure makes pearls, right? -Ted
I haven’t seen someone that disappointed to see me since I wore a red baseball cap to a Planned Parenthood fundraiser. -Ted

I wish I was Keeley three, four times a day. -Ted
I shouldn’t bring an umbrella to a brainstorm, so I appreciate you getting the ball rolling, Nate. -Ted
All people are different people. -Ted
Don’t you dare settle for fine. -Roy Kent quotes from Ted Lasso
You can’t get hurt if you don’t try. -Keeley
Old people are so wise. They’re like tall Yodas. -Jamie Tartt quotes
Now listen up you little turd birds! -Ted Lasso
Touch your toes! Those are your feet fingers. -Ted Lasso
I haven’t seen a pass that soft since my high school drama teacher asked me to mow his lawn. -Ted Lasso

If that’s a joke, I love it. If not, can’t wait to unpack that with you later. -Ted
I’m sort of famous for being almost famous. -Keeley
I’ve been to Vegas many times. One night is good, two nights is perfect, three is too many. -Coach Beard
Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer, Prancer and Vixen. -Ted Lasso

Doc, you are more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel in Area 51. -Ted
I’m a flaneur by nature. -Higgins
That’s a heaping spoonful of truth soup right there. -Ted Lasso
Stupid barking means it’s over, right? -Roy Kent
I love meeting people’s moms. It’s like reading an instruction manual as to why they’re nuts. -Ted Lasso
I don’t really know how to talk to you. -Jamie
Then it’s working. -Coach Beard
You are an ugly, ugly boy with bad hair. -Roy Kent
Jamie Tartt, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Jamie Tartt!
He refuses to open up, and when he gets anywhere close to being vulnerable, he fires off a zinger of some obscure reference to something very specific to a 40-year-old white man from Middle America. -Doc Sharon
I do love a locker room. It smells like potential. -Ted

I saw it in a Denzel Washington movie and I thought, oh, I’m taking that. -Higgins
You know my philosophy when it comes to cats, babies, and apologies. You gotta let them come to you. -Ted Lasso
Coach, you keep trying to hold all this in, I’m afraid your mustache is going to pop off. -Coach Beard
You helped this panda become a lion. -Keeley
A bit of advice for being a boss. Hire your best friend. -Rebecca
Look at it out there. Looks like a Renaissance painting portraying masculine melancholy. -Ted Lasso

Best Season 3 Ted Lasso Quotes

Season 3 of Ted Lasso has now ended, and it did not disappoint.. These Season 3 Ted Lasso quotes will make you laugh and hit you right in the gut.

I didn’t mean to come on in here and tinkle on your all’s toenails. -Ted Lasso
One man’s grope is another woman’s gain. -Keeley
These guys are more distracted than a bunch of cats playing laser tag. -Ted Lasso
I am begging you to fight back. -Rebecca
I’m a work in prog-mess. -Ted Lasso
Hush your butts. -Ted Lasso
It’s their team. We’re just borrowing it for awhile. -Ted
Don’t fight back. Fight forward.

The Diamond Dogs are a group of men committed to supporting each other by sharing the most intimate thought, feelings, and experiences. -Coach Beard
You can’t worry about something that hasn’t happened yet. -Trent
You should find out before you flip out. -Higgins
Crap like envy, fear, shame. We get in our own way. -Ted
Believing that things can get better, that I will get better, that we will get better. To believe in yourself, to believe in one another. That’s fundamental to being alive. -Ted
Where is she going? -Roy
Somewhere that believes they deserve her. -Rebecca
You need to stop letting yesterday get in the way of today, Ted. -Rebecca
I’m not heartbroken. It’s more like heart-bent.
Get out of your own way, man. -Rebecca
I don’t like gossip, but my butt don’t mind a little scuttle. -Ted
Sometimes the truth can ruin a perfectly good story. -Rebecca
Shouting is Roy’s love language. -Trent
Hurt people hurt people. -Ted
Forgive him. When you choose to do that, you’re giving it to yourself. -Ted
I hope that either all of us or none of us are judged by the actions of our weakest moments but rather by the strength we show when and if we’re ever given a second chance. -Ted Lasso
That is the thing about being a parent. Sometimes you lose and sometimes you win, but most of the time you just tie. All we can do is keep playing. -Dottie Lasso
I know folks are divided on the actual police these days, but all human beings are opposed to the laugh police. -Ted
When I look up there, I still see it. -Ted Lasso
Change isn’t about trying to be perfect. Perfection sucks. Perfect is boring. -Coach Beard
Human beings are never gonna be perfect, Roy. The best we can do is to keep asking for help and accepting it when you can. And if you keep on doing that, you’ll always be moving towards better. -Higgins
Getting to work with y’all these last three years has truly been one of the greatest experiences of my life. I’ve loved getting to know each and every single one of you. Learning all about the men you were and getting a front row seat to see the men you all have become. -Ted